You can read about the game “Hotseat” in my post here. On this page I compile some questions that I think can lead to interesting conversations, in Hotseat and elsewhere. I’ve drawn them from a variety of sources: the original “36 Questions”, a web game called Inquisition (you can get a CSV of all the questions it uses here), suggestions from a JC at ESPR, and assorted chit-chats.
[Edit: there’s also this board game from the 1960s which Chana Messinger has been recreating]
I originally gathered most of these questions for a speed dating event I was running, in the hope that their presence on the table would give people the permission to go a bit deeper with their partners. It wasn’t particularly successful, though – most of the cards sat unused in the middle of the table, and yet people still reported that they found the conversations too superficial. Possibly if I’d printed and laminated them, or made it look more official, people would’ve been more likely to use them (because it wouldn’t have felt like a failure on their part to be relying on prompts for conversation)? I’ll have to experiment again next time.
If you’re wondering, the categories have those titles because they’re increasing in spiciness on the Scoville scale and all end with the letter “o”, which I thought sounded nice (though it’s a shame that “tabasco” has three syllables rather than four).
Pimiento
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- What do you do to relax and unwind?
- What’s a personality trait you hope you’ll always have?
- What’s one of your pet peeves?
- Where does your name come from? Does it have a special meaning for you?
- What’s something that never fails to make you laugh?
- Is there a sound or smell that you really like? Why?
- What’s a topic that gets you excited?
- Who’s someone you’d like to get to know better?
- What is/was your favourite childhood toy? Do you have any stories about it?
- What’s the best gift you’ve ever given?
- What’s the greatest compliment you’ve ever got?
- What gives you nostalgia?
- Tell me about an early memory of yours.
- Is there an artist/show/genre that you’re a fan of but most people haven’t heard of?
- How do you approach getting to know new people?
- Do you care about personality types? How would you describe yours?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What do you think of the atmosphere here?
- What relatively common experience have you never had?
- What’s your aesthetic? How did you arrive at it?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What’s the most valuable cheap thing you own?
- Do you like spontaneity?
- When was the last time you did something for the first time?
- If you could pick any number of years to live to, what number would it be?
- What is your cafe order? Your bar order?
- Nightclub or pub? Or neither?
Jalapeño
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- Are you a romantic? In what ways does this manifest itself?
- What unusual trait do you find most attractive in a romantic partner?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- What advice would you give your younger self?
- When helping someone with an upsetting situation do you tend to sympathise or to give solutions? Which would you prefer if being helped yourself?
- Do you project an image? How different are external perceptions of you to how you perceive yourself?
- Have you ever done something illegal?
- How important is financial success to you? Why?
- Describe the development of a close friendship you have.
- Do you feel connection to your country of birth and/or your ethnic background?
- What would be the ideal first impression that a stranger has of you?
- Do you easily cry at books and films?
- Do you think you’d want to have children someday?
- How have you changed recently, for better or for worse?
- Is there a turning point in your life, which you could describe part of your life as before and the rest as after?
- When was the last time you lied to somebody you really cared about?
- What’s something you could ramble about for a long time?
- Would you describe yourself as opinionated? What about?
- How is the evening going for you?
- Are there any thoughts so offensive that you would advocate shaming those who think them, even if they don’t act on those thoughts?
- Which of your beliefs would be the most difficult to change, even in the face of overwhelming evidence?
- Can someone both be a kind person and also hold the exact opposite of your political views?
- Of all the beliefs you hold, which is most likely to be considered barbaric in 150 years?
- How do society’s morals differ from your own?
- What aspects of femininity / masculinity do you like?
- Do you enjoy having a physical body?
- What’s the maximum number of years of your life that you’d trade away to get access to an infinite “spectator mode”, where you can move through the entire universe and see whatever you like, but not interact with anything or anyone? (You can quit spectator mode permanently if you get bored of it.)
Tabasco
Something I’ve noticed about the more intense questions in other compilations is that they’re usually overwhelmingly negative. Presumably the idea is that sharing trauma brings people closer, but I think it can be quite a dangerous, draining, and shallow way of short-circuiting the usual resistance to developing intimacy in relationships. I tried to cultivate a more cheery set of questions for speed dating, but at the bottom I’ve added less upbeat ones that I think are still interesting.
- What’s something important that anyone dating you should know?
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- Is there anything you’re itching to tell me but wouldn’t usually say?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After your loved ones and pets, what’s the one thing you’d save? Why?
- What’s something about me you’re genuinely curious to know? What’s something you really want me to know about you?
- What are you looking for? From this conversation; from a partner; from life.
- In what ways do you tend to fail at communication?
- What about yourself have you been trying to fix for a long time?
- Which of your habits conflict with your values?
- What about your appearance would you like to change?
- What problems do you see in the relationships of those around you?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- If you knew you only had six hours left to live, how would you spend them?
- If you were invited to an all-nude party, where all the participants are required to be naked the whole time, would you go?
- Have you ever dated someone who you felt was below your standards?
- What emotion/feeling are you currently suppressing or ignoring?
- What is the best advice you’ve received, and why did you need it?
- If you could have one but not the other, would you rather love someone or be loved by someone?
- What is a question that you would refuse to answer?
- What makes you look down on other people?
- What do you think makes other people look down on you?
- When do you feel pretty?
- What is sacred to you?
- Do you enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror?
- How do you feel about kissing on a first date?
- What’s the most important self-discovery you made about yourself in the past year?
- What have you always wanted in romantic relationships but never had?
- When was the last time you were really proud of yourself?
- What’s something you’re afraid of?
- Who do you feel the safest around?
- What viewpoint is the most difficult for you to empathise with?
- Tell me your life story in 5 minutes.
- What’s the worst true thing someone’s said about you?
- When was the last time you cried in front of another person?
- What is something you’re afraid to share with me?
- When was the last time you were upset but didn’t tell anybody?
- What is something about yourself you wish you could change?
- When was the last time you really hurt somebody else? When was the last time you were really hurt?
- What makes you feel the loneliest?